you’re judgemental. not me.
your projection. not my truth.
When someone accuses others of being judgmental, they’re often revealing their own inner critic and insecurities1. This defence mechanism, called projection, happens when someone attributes their own unacceptable thoughts or feelings to someone else, in order to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths inside themselves.
I experienced this firsthand. I offered thoughtful, mindful feedback with someone I know privately, before the dynamic fell apart, only to have her react defensively and publicly label me as “judgmental”. She also became someone who couldn’t sit in the same car anymore, couldn’t go along with plans, and couldn’t even tolerate a friendly “hi.” Whenever something didn’t go her way, it was always someone else’s fault. That’s also when I learned that she is someone who never examined their own role in any situations.
The irony? Saying someone is judgmental is itself a judgment.
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
— C.G. Jung
Recognising the Pattern
Facial expressions often give people away. Frowns, resting frustration, visible irritation slipping through within seconds; a complete shift from what they presented earlier. Sometimes, you even hear criticism, complaints about anything getting in their way. Their rigidity eventually made others stop sharing altogether, reducing interactions to superficial.
People who project such behaviours, typically struggle with self-awareness, even when they believe they “know themselves well”. Those with low self-esteem are especially prone to projecting feelings of inadequacy onto others.
I realised that the judgment others projected onto me revealed far more about them than it did on me.
The Smile You Choose
You may put on a smile, believing you’re being kind or keeping the peace. But at some point, you may find yourself struggling to make everything work, and the smile is no longer what you believed.
Life won’t always cooperate. So are people. But you get to decide: Are you smiling because you’re truly at peace with your choice, or because you’re trying to manage an uncontrollable situation?
The healthiest smile comes from knowing your boundaries; not from suppressing your truth to keep others comfortable.
I had asked myself: Does this person’s judgment uplift or drain me? Are they open or do they simply deflect? Do they take responsibility, or always shift blame and react? Do I leave interactions feeling nourished or depleted?
The answers were very clear.
I’ve learned through experience. Those with clear personal boundaries experience less burnout, reduced psychological distress, and greater resilience when navigating conflict. Yet many still struggle to set healthy boundaries, often due to guilt or obligation2.
Choose your presence wisely
We actually know what’s underneath.
I’ve always seen beyond the surface. I learned to trust my gut that followed what I saw. And it’s not negativity, in fact, it’s safe and empathy. I notice the small signals of “not enough” that slip through the performance: the curated life, the crafted persona, the effort to fill something that can’t be filled the way they do.
These performances become especially visible during the holidays. The holiday season is just weeks away, or closer by the time you read this. Many people attend gatherings they don’t actually want to. Not for connection, but out of obligation. Saying no feels impossible, especially when the people involved are family, or people they don’t really enjoy hanging out. They smile for social media photos, pretending joy they don’t feel, while heavier sits underneath.
When families use guilt as manipulation to maintain control, it creates cycles that harm everyone involved3. But in recent years, more have decided to stop playing along. They’ve chosen freedom over restriction, peace over performance, boundaries over obligation, and genuine connection over all-expenses-paid gatherings. It’s choosing agency instead of suppression.
They’ve finally learned to extend kindness inward.
Discernment, not reaction
All along, I knew what I offered was a genuine observation. Not all judgements are “being judgemental”, and we all make judgments to navigate daily life. I recognise such comments simply thrown out there are more likely reacting to their own inner critic. Their “bucket” of experiences isn’t mine. They literally can’t see beyond their current perspective. They restricted themselves from understanding others fully. When projection is at play, they’re doing everyone a big favour. Once you recognise projection is at play, the way you respond shifts completely.
Whether you judge or are judged, the kindest response can be simple: pause, observe, and reflect. This alone can make the world a better place.
took me a while to get this and previous post out. i hope there’s something in them that’s worth taking with you.
Jaqua, T., “The mirror of workplace perception: Understanding the impact of self-perception on interpersonal relations”, Archives of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 5(1) (2024).
Lukin, K., “Breaking the guilt cycle: How to set boundaries with toxic family members”, Rethink: The ADHD & Autism Community, (2025).
Thompson, M. J., Platts, C. R., & Davies, P. T., “Parent-child boundary dissolution and children’s psychological difficulties: A meta-analytic review”, Journal of Family Psychology, 38(6) (2024): 659-675.